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This video is a great lesson in what happens when I try to fake a glamorous lifestyle. You are watching me inflate the Sloosh Tanning Pool in my backyard on a Tuesday afternoon. It is essentially a giant plastic mattress with an inflated bumper. You fill the center with two inches of water to keep cool while laying out. I thought it would give off an expensive resort aesthetic, but I mostly just looked like a tired adult sitting in a puddle.

The truth is that it feels genuinely nice on a boiling hot day when you want to read a book without sweating through your shirt. The reality of maintaining it is a different story. The ribbed plastic bottom traps every single blade of grass that blows into your yard. You will spend more time wiping pollen out of those little grooves than you will actually resting. You also have to be careful because the plastic gets shockingly hot if you drain the water and leave it sitting out. Plus it squeaks aggressively every time you shift your weight.

My followers completely ignored this post. The engagement was basically zero. My original caption sounded like a television commercial, and you guys always see right through that. Nobody comes to my page to be pitched a luxury backyard oasis. You just want to know if a heavy plastic raft is worth the hassle of blowing it up. You probably took one look at my unnatural lounging posture and kept right on scrolling. Next time I test patio gear, I will just tell you exactly how long it takes to deflate.